Saru Psychology 101
by midori hakkai
Summary: A typical day in the Sanzo party's lives as seen by our resident saru. Weird daydream follows, involving youkai and...a wrestling match? What's Sanzo's role? Oneshot.


Aug. 30, '05: Made a couple of changes to the fic. Thanks to all who reviewed and to otsuki for correcting me on my Japanese.

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Author's Note: I intend this fic to be one-shot, but if I come across any more ideas I'll probably write more chapters. If you have any suggestions please tell me and thanks. 

I am writing this in Goku's PoV, with a mix of third-person narration at some parts. I mixed in a bit of Japanese too but I provided a couple of translations at the end. Special thanks to sageofloki for contributing to the Sanzo idea. To tell you the truth I couldn't breathe properly when you said that.

DISCLAIMER: (insert witty sentence here)

**Inside a Certain Saru's Head**

Oh man. It's already so late at night and we're still on the road. We haven't had something to eat since, oh, I don't know, five minutes or so? Whatever it was I'm still hungry.

Hakuryu's showing no signs of speeding up, the stupid dragon. He should be thankful he's not in my stomach yet. Many times I guess I should have roasted that dragon to a crisp but then we'd have no vehicle. Plus Hakkai would kill me. Kowai. (1)

Speaking of Hakkai, I'm amazed he can still keep driving in a situation like this. The wind is really so cold and we have no cloaks, mainly because Sanzo was in a hurry. Secondly because I spent it on meatbuns. But hey, at least it went to good use and not stashed somewhere else when we won't need it.

I want to ask Hakkai when we'll be there, but Sanzo's going to hit me again. I think I'll sneak a glance at Hakkai. Oh man, that smile is really creeping me out now. He's been smiling for over five hours straight. Doesn't he ever get tired? I checked him at 7:30. Still smiling. Did a double take at 8. Still there. Did a really quick check at 9, and he's still at it!

I mean, shouldn't he smile only when like, someone's watching? What's the point of smiling when no one's looking, right?

I think it's going to be my life's dream just to bend that annoying smile upside down. Well, aside from eating more meatbuns of course. And yakisoba too. Not to mention sukiyaki. Wait, wait. Did I mention sushi?

Hey, what was that? Oh, it's only Gojyo, snoring again. The useless cockroach, already sleeping before we get to an inn. Speaking of that, I wonder why Hakkai and Sanzo are having trouble waking him up. Last time he fell asleep I was already in my room when I heard Hakkai shout. I quickly looked out the window and saw Sanzo backing away from the jeep or something. Turns out they were trying to wake Gojyo up. I don't know what happened though; Hakkai noticed me looking and signaled at me to get back in.

Well,I'm going to find out later. I won't let Hakkai stop me; I need to see what the cockroach was up to!

Man, it's getting so boring. With the kappa asleep I'll have no one to annoy. Sanzo's not in a good mood too; he's been smoking nonstop for about the same time as Hakkai had been smiling. Which is five hours. Darn, his smoke is making me cough.

I decided to keep myself busy by counting his cigarettes. I had counted up to five but…I have no idea what's next. Heck, I'm surprised myself that I could count up to five. I thought I could do up to one.

"Hakkai, what's next to five?" I said simply.

"What do you care?" Sanzo answered grumpily. Darn it, Sanzo, I wasn't asking you.

"Ne, Hakkai?" I asked again. Sanzo can't stop me when I'm persistent.

"Six," Hakkai replied cheerfully, his eyes crinkling along with his smile. Oh dear. I hope no stray cat decides to cross the street at this time or it will be dead for sure. Hakkai, please open your eyes when you're driving! It freaks me out when you do that.

"Thanks," I reply hastily, trying to remember it for future use. "Six after five, six after five, six after five…" Hehe. If I repeat this three more times Sanzo's sure to whack me with his harisen. Keep at it, Goku.

"Six after five…" _Three…_

"Six after five…" _Two…_

"Six after five…" _One…_

WHACK!

"URUSAI, BAKASARU!" Hehe. Good one, Sanzo, right on schedule.

Oh yeah, it's my part where I act hurt:

"Itai, Sanzo! Yamete kudasai!" (2) I cried, rubbing the spot where Sanzo's cursed harisen hit me. It's kinda hard having to act hurt all the time. But I guess it lowers Sanzo's blood pressure down, coz he smokes less after than. About twenty I guess, out of the usual fifty.

Suddenly Hakkai steps on the brakes for the nth time. I hope no cat was hurt. It won't taste good in pork buns.

Oh, I see. Youkais. The same old guys we beat up a week ago. This is so boring. I hope they have someone really up for us, you know, where we can really be injured and come back for a rematch. But no, all they have are a bunch of idiots as smart as me.

Hey, did I say that out loud?

Anyway, Gojyo's finally awake and summoned his shakujyo. Sanzo's already shooting a couple of them down and Hakkai's taking them out with his chi. I leap to my feet, summoned my Nyoibou and looked for someone to fight with.

Hey, why aren't they attacking? Those youkais behind Sanzo, they're just ogling at him, watching him reload the shourejyu of doom. Idiots. It's like they're waiting for their turn to die. Why don't they attack at the same time? I could just imagine them in a boxing ring…

"_And in this corner, weighing God knows what pounds, SON GOKUUUUUUU!" Gojyo announced, taking his place in the announcer podium. The crowd cheered wildly as Goku stepped up in the ring, beaming widely at the fangirls nearest them. Said fangirls fainted and was soon rushed to a nearby hospital._

"_And on this corner, weighing 110 pounds, Youkai Number One!" Gojyo announced. _

"_Boo!" the audience yelled._

"_Now I want a clean fight, both of you," Hakkai the referee said, stepping up into the ring. "Contestants, shake hands!"_

_The bell rang, signifying the start of the event. "And they're off! Goku closes in for the kill—ow, that's gotta hurt! Is he down? Alright,Youkai Number Two, yoou'ree up!" Gojyo shouted, slapping the next youkai into the ring._

"_And he's—down! A great knockout! Youkai Number Three, you're up next!"_

_Ten minutes and sixty youkais later the bell rang and it was time for the next round._

"_It's time for bout two!" Gojyo shouted into the mike." Time for a short intermission. And here's our lovely round-number-carrier…presenting GENJYO SANZOOOO!"_

_Fangirls scream at the sight of THE Genjyo Sanzo stomping on the ring carrying the 'round two' card, a deadly 'I'm-so-gonna-kill-whoever-thought-of-this' expression on his face. At the request of the highly respectable monk, the author is prohibited from disclosing any more information about the said event, especially the ridiculous outfit he is wearing—_

_BAM! BAM!_

_(The author, having narrowly missed instant death, excuses herself from the intrusion and retreats back to the computer.)_

BAM! BAM!

"Oi, saru! Get a move on!" Oh, it's Sanzo. He's caught me daydreaming (or is it nightdreaming?) again. Uh-oh, that shourejyu is smoking. Not good. He's wearing that deadly expression again. Oh no, I don't think I could hold it back anymore…

"Hahahahaha!"

Big mistake.

BAM! BAM!

"What are you laughing at?" Sanzo shouted at me. Sorry, Sanzo, I just remembered my daydream…

"Nothing." I choked out a reply.

"Well then, let's go, shall we? Are we still far from the inn, Hakkai?" Gojyo's gonna love this. Once he hears my daydream he's gonna crack up for sure.

We climb back on Hakuryu and Hakkai's started the engine again. I see some lights in the distance. Must be the town. At last! FOOD!

"Man, just when I was having a great dream!" Gojyo complained. Uh-oh. I don't want to know.

"Why don't you keep it to yourself, Gojyo? Goku's too young for that stuff." Hakkai's too overprotective. As if I don't know what goes on in that kappa's head.

"No, really, it wasn't anything involving girls!" Yeah right. And I'm stuffed full of meatbuns.

"Actually, it involved the four of us in a boxing ring, and Goku was the contestant…"

"Really?" I piped up. "I had about the same dream!"

"Weird," Hakkai said. "I think I had something like that too."

I jumped up from my seat. This is so cool. We had the same dream even though we were all awake. I decide to ask them some more questions.

"I totally kicked those youkais out of the ring, didn't I?" I said proudly.

"Yeah, it was great." Hakkai said, nodding.

"But there was something better!" Gojyo suddenly shouted, his eyes shining with happiness.Personally, I don't feel good about this…

"What?"

"DID YOU SEE SANZO?"

"..."

BAM! BAM!

"Urusai."

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Notes: 

_Kowai_. 'Scary' in Japanese. (Thanks to otsuki for correcting me on this one!) Goku said the same thing in Reload when he saw Hakkai in his youkai form and in the Urasai; love that part! Oh yeah, 'kowai' is not to be mixed with 'kawaii', which means cute. If you say that to a Japanese I'd bet he'd kill you.

_Yamete kudasai._ Please stop.

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Author's Note: How was it? I think it was too long for a one-shot fic, but I have no plans for another chapter. But if I get more ideas I probably will add more to this. 

I hope you guys liked it, this was written on-the-spot, so I didn't really have any plot for this. I'm sorry to disappoint the Sanzo fangirls out there, but Sanzo is NOT wearing anything indecent, mind you. It's just something so un-Sanzoish that it makes Sanzo look stupid. If you didn't get that Sanzo part he was the one carrying the number, you know, the girl who carries the card with the round number on it.

The last part means Sanzo had the same 'dream' too. Meaning he saw himself in that dream. Hehe.

**In Nomine Domini Nostri Jesu Christi**

**In the Name of Our Lord Jesus Christ**

**Saru Psychology 101**

by **midori hakkai**


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